


Since We Know That Dreams are Dead

by Fayal_Lir



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Everything I write ends up not getting finished or taking 20 minutes to write, Honestly I just hope this is decent, I can't think of much else to say here, I had to come up with appropriately in character and angsty adjectives, I hope it's not hard to tell, I wrote this at one am last night and edited it today so I hope it isn't ooc, M/M, Oh and this starts pre-AA, Really not sure how to tag that, The title is from the song House of Gold by Twenty One Pilots, This ended up angsty but it was fun to write, Unrequited love that used to be requited?, You know how Roman was the one to come up with the names light and dark sides?, it was hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-30
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:41:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28423383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fayal_Lir/pseuds/Fayal_Lir
Summary: Janus doesn’t remember when it started.He didn’t just wake up one day, look at Virgil Sanders, and think to himselfI want to kiss him,but he wants to nevertheless. He can’t tell you the exact moment he realized, but it’s an ache he can’t ignore.And maybe if he did kiss Virgil Sanders, then it would go away, whatever thisitis.Virgil spends a lot of time with the favored sides,Janus hasn’t failed to notice. The anxious trait returns to the ousted sides’ common room after every time, his eyes filled with stars Janus can never give him. Is it better this way? What will happen if Virgil just… leaves? Maybe one day he’ll get up, he’ll sink out, and that will be that. Then the feelingsshouldhave to go away.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	Since We Know That Dreams are Dead

**Author's Note:**

> Lately I've been feeling more and more attached to Anxceit, and one of my favorite headcanons for them is that Janus has liked Virgil the entire time we see him in canon, so I decided to write this because a whole slowburn where Virgil ends up liking him too is something I'd love to read but a l o t of words to write and this one is just a bit over 1000, so I hope you like it!

Janus doesn’t remember when it started.

He didn’t just wake up one day, look at Virgil Sanders, and think to himself _I want to kiss him,_ but he wants to nevertheless. He can’t tell you the exact moment he realized, but it’s an ache he can’t ignore.

And maybe if he did kiss Virgil Sanders, then it would go away, whatever this _it_ is. _Virgil spends a lot of time with the favored sides,_ Janus hasn’t failed to notice. The anxious trait returns to the ousted sides’ common room after every time, his eyes filled with stars Janus can never give him. Is it better this way? What will happen if Virgil just… leaves? Maybe one day he’ll get up, he’ll sink out, and that will be that. Then the feelings _should_ have to go away.

Remus is here with the rest of the rejects as well, of course, but Janus has never looked at _him_ in the way he finds himself looking at Virgil. He doesn’t know what to do, overwhelmed by how much it feels like drowning. He still keeps up with his duties, monitoring the mindscape, helping with little lies for Thomas to tell others and himself. He watches Morality’s repression and lies of omission, Light Creativity’s slow deterioration of confidence in the little lies he tells to everyone around him, and Logic’s denial showing in lies of various types to himself. Each of the sides _can_ hide their lies from him, should they choose to block him off, but none of the light sides like to acknowledge he exists, and to block him would be to accept that. 

Virgil does shut him out, though, and Remus doesn’t much care either way. He’s never cared what anyone else thinks, as long as he’s happy he doesn’t consider whether anyone else is. Virgil acts like he doesn’t care, like he lives for the next time he gets to plant anxiety and crippling self-doubt in someone’s head, but Janus has always been able to see through that. Virgil doesn’t like hurting people. He doesn’t like what he does, and Janus doesn’t think he even likes who he is. However, the lying side doesn’t say anything. It’s putting himself first, it’s putting whatever is going on with the abandoned sides now ahead of trying to fix anything, of trying to talk to Virgil and find out what he needs. The status quo is easy, and trying to fix anything is hard.

So Janus continues to watch from right next to Virgil on the couch, not failing to catch how they slowly end up sitting farther and farther apart.

One night, the three sides are playing Uno, which bores Remus but he sits through anyway. When the game is finished, Remus lets Janus and Virgil clean up in favor of attacking his brother with his morning star, because while he does do nice things with no gain for himself, he always has to do _something_ he likes right after. And how he’s gone, and the common room is so very dim, and so very empty of anyone save the two of them.

They stack the cards, fingers brushing gloves in what could conceivably be an accident. It’s dark, after all, and no one can see them. Dim yellowed light is the shape of privacy, and when you can’t see yourself as well your thoughts become hard to avoid.

Too many things are easier in the dark, and that is the start of Janus’ slow demise, Virgil pushed against a wall when they finally kiss. They move as if to do it again, Janus’ gloved hand around Virgil’s wrist, but they stop a breath apart, eyes opening.

They each back away, putting the game away in silence, sinking in unison to separate rooms. Janus knows he won’t sleep tonight, and he doesn’t know if he wants to. In a distant part of his mind, he hopes Virgil can’t sleep either.

They don’t avoid each other after. At least, not any more than Virgil already has been. They talk, and they eat meals like they’ve always done, but now there’s always that one thing hanging in the air, waiting desperately for them to be ready. The problem is, Janus will never be ready. He is deceit and he is falsehoods and he is selfish and he is self-preservation, and it will never be easier having that conversation than it is avoiding it. There’s not even any guarantees for what will happen after it, if anything will change for the better, and so he doesn’t risk it. They parry and they talk and everything seems normal, but it’s not and they both know it and refuse to say it.

It’s soon after that, a matter of weeks, when what Janus has been expecting all along finally happens.

Virgil doesn’t come back.

He’s left, he’s gone to be with them, with the light sides.

Janus doesn’t see him again, not for years.

Years later, when he’s pretending to be Morality--Patton, his name is--Virgil is the one to catch him. Janus can’t be surprised, he can’t be upset. He plays his part dutifully, some deep resentment, years old, waking and simmering into his mask of snark and lies.

Virgil is… both different and the same. His eyeshadow is darker, his hoodie has color, but he’s still so similar it hurts somewhere deep in Janus’ chest. He’s still snarky, he still slumps, but he’s… protective. Just by looking, Janus can tell how much he _cares_ about these self-proclaimed ‘light sides’, and how much he cares about Patton. Virgil’s replaced him, and the deceitful trait doesn’t know when these blue and red sides took over everything that made Virgil as close to _his_ as Janus has ever had, or the last time he or Remus have ever crossed the anxious side’s mind.

Because Janus has never stopped. He still wants to kiss Virgil. Doing it once didn’t make it stop. VIrgil leaving didn’t make it stop. He still feels like he’s drowning, and he still can’t sleep at night.

Now, though, Virgil hates him. He doesn’t know when that happened. He _knows_ Virgil didn’t hate Janus when he left. He just… left, and it was because of what he and Remus weren’t and the accepted sides were more than it was anything Remus and him had ever done.

Janus has accepted it since the time Virgil had left, and can say it to himself that it’s true. _He loves Virgil._ There was no one day he suddenly realized, like there was no day he realized he wanted to kiss Virgil, like there was no day he knew Virgil Sanders had begun to hate him. 

And now Janus loves him, he loves him, _he loves him,_ and he is doomed to drown because he can’t stop, and because Virgil Sanders has long ago.

**Author's Note:**

> I never really _mean_ for everything I actually finish to become angst, but oh well, I'll embrace my efforts to inflict pain on people anyway! Probably at some point I actually will write that slowburn requited Anxceit, but just imagine Virgil and Janus keep being forced to interact with each other and they actually do start getting close again, and Janus apologizes to Roman with Virgil helping him do it well and he and Virgil get together at the end, I just think they're neat


End file.
